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It has been several decades since most colleges officially espoused the philosophy of “in loco parentis,” a Latin phrase meaning “in the place of a parent.” There are some important differences between in loco parentis and what we do at Alvernia. The type of nurturing that Alvernia offers is aimed at young adults and has the ultimate objective of reinforcing our five core values of service, humility, peacemaking, contemplation, and collegiality. In other words, we provide structure and guidance, but encourage students to embrace the idea of defining their own structure and guidance. Thus, we have resident assistants (RAs) rather than houseparents, quiet hours rather than curfews, and parental notification of certain alcohol and drug violations rather than open parental access to students’ discipline records.
Alvernia College has several elements in place to support positive student and academic life development. The first element is a commitment to accountability. For example, being familiar with the College judicial system and knowing that its provisions are enforced allows students to predict the consequences of their decisions. Similarly, understanding the requirements and provisions of a course syllabus and what is expected to attain a certain grade will reinforce the steps a student must take to be successful in that course.
The second element is the belief that students are the engineers of their own satisfaction. Parents can help the College by helping the student articulate a reasonable definition of “satisfaction” and a reasonable plan for achieving it. Our role, therefore, is not to provide the satisfaction itself. It should be noted that students are encouraged to strive for realistic goals, but they sometimes generate goals that are not realistic. Just as parents do, the Office of Student Life is obligated at times to redirect students toward more acceptable goals.
A third element is the total commitment to student development. Alvernia College professionals do our best to understand our students as a cohort and as individuals. We set expectations for our students and encourage them to set expectations for themselves. Some of those expectations are very attractive to students (e.g., developing a proposal to increase food options); some are fairly neutral (e.g., expecting that students will get out of bed in time to get to their morning classes); and some expectations can be controversial (e.g., attempting to solve a roommate conflict before making a room change).
As you transition to being the parent of a college student, it may be tempting to just handle “the problem” yourself, especially when your son or daughter asks for help. But providing support, while letting him or her handle the contacts and follow-through, is most useful in the long run. Let’s continue to work together to develop well-adjusted, mature citizens.
You and your child have been working through issues surrounding independence for years. At least once during high school, and certainly during that senior summer, your child must have declared, “You can’t tell me what to do; I’m not a little kid anymore.” It’s true. You really can’t tell your college-age child what to do. You have much less direct control, but you do still have influence, and you will continue to care deeply about how he or she is and whether he or she is safe, comfortable, and happy. For the next four years, you will be parenting your student from a distance, which requires greater trust from you and greater responsibility from your child.
From You’re on Your Own (but I’m here if you need me): Mentoring Your Child During the College Years (Marjorie Savage), 2003.
So… the work continues! Below, we’ve compiled some questions that we most frequently get asked.
Will my son or daughter change while at Alvernia and, if so, how?
College provides a fertile environment for students to mature intellectually, socially and spiritually. Students are challenged to take responsibility for their actions in everything from course selection to participation in clubs to deciding what time to go to bed at night. We hope that students who come to Alvernia will develop a clearer sense of who they are and find a course of study that they are passionate about and that will lead to a career or vocation that is right for them. No change is without struggle, and students are likely to be asking themselves questions:
Who am I, and why am I here?
What do I really treasure and value in life?
What major makes sense for me?
What will I do with my education once I have finished at Alvernia?
You may find, as your child struggles with these questions, that he or she is pulling away from you and trying to establish his or her own identity.
How often should I call, visit or e-mail my son or daughter?
There are no hard and fast answers to this question. During the first few weeks of college, you might want to check in by phone or e-mail once or twice a week, less frequently as the semester continues. If you live close to the college, limit frequent visits and, by all means, don’t drop in unannounced. Most students need some “space” to effectively create their routines at college. Similarly for resident students, visits home should be limited so they can learn to be comfortable on campus during the weekends. Let your student know that you are always available, however, and that he or she should always feel free to call, e-mail or visit when some family time is needed. And, believe it or not, most students also appreciate postal mail—a quick card and, especially, care packages filled with some of their favorite treats and memories of home.
I’m worried that my son or daughter won’t fit in at Alvernia.
Fitting in on any college campus is directly related to a student’s willingness to make friends and participate in activities. The most successful students at any college are the ones who are focused on academics and involved in some college activity. For many students, the environment here feels very different than it did in high school. It may be uncomfortable to meet people or try new things. Encourage your student to take advantage of the programs that are offered through the residence halls or through the First-year Seminar program. In addition, suggest that he or she makes a point of attending Activities Night to see what clubs, organizations, music groups and cultural groups exist on campus. Students will have the opportunity to sign up for additional information about meetings and programs for various groups, and they don’t have to participate in everything they sign up for.
Will my son or daughter be homesick?
Adjustment to college life can be stressful. There are new people, new classes, new expectations, new living arrangements and a host of other pressures. Most students adjust very well to life at college, but some just don’t seem to adapt as quickly. When your student calls and sounds homesick, the most important thing you can do is listen, acknowledge that transitions are difficult, and remind him or her of another life transition that he or she handled very well (going away to camp, moving from junior high to senior high). Encourage communication with the RA or with another friend or roommate.
What if my student calls in a panic and sounds really upset?
The best thing you can do is remain calm and not allow yourself to panic. First-year students, especially, often experience moments of self-doubt, and they may feel they simply don’t have what it takes to be a college student. During the first year, there are several points in the semester when this self-doubt seems to be especially prevalent—during move-in time and the first week or two of school, right before or after the first college exam, around midterm and certainly near final exams. Once again, the best thing you can do is listen. Encourage him or her to reach out to the appropriate resources such as Residence Life, a professor or adviser, the Health and Wellness Center, Learning Center or the College Counselor. Resist the impulse to intervene. It is a much more rewarding experience for students to learn to solve their own problems.
I keep hearing things about the problems with alcohol and drugs on college campuses. How can I keep my student from being exposed to this at Alvernia?
Alvernia does not allow alcohol or other non-prescription drugs on campus except for events that have been pre-approved by the President. However, we recognize that no college environment is free from alcohol or drugs and as a result we have a very strict drug and alcohol, zero-tolerance policy that is clearly outlined in the College Handbook. Your student may be tempted to attend non-College sanctioned parties where he/she may face choices about drinking or drug use. You will not be there to monitor his or her behavior in such instances. The best offense is a good defense, and we hope that you already have had frank conversations with your child about issues surrounding alcohol and drug use. The values that you have cultivated in your student will help him or her make the right decision.
Alcohol or drug use, on-campus for all students and off-campus for students under 21, is a violation of the College Code of Conduct and violators will be processed through the College judicial system and will undergo an assessment and behavioral training. The FERPA Parent Notification Amendment of 2000 permits the College to contact parents in the event of such a violation. And we will.
To help students make appropriate decisions about drug and alcohol use, all incoming students are required to complete a two-part, online alcohol education program called AlcoholEDU. Questions about that program should be directed to the Associate Dean of Students.
At times my student seems so irresponsible and disorganized. I’m afraid she isn’t ready for college. How can I know that she’ll be okay?
Many parents share similar concerns. It may not seem possible that your son or daughter is capable of getting out of bed and to class on time, eating three times a day or doing laundry. However, most students seem to rise to the challenge and learn the basic lesson that with freedom comes responsibility. A student who continues to experience problems with self-regulation may need to check in with the Learning Center for tips on time management.
What if I have other questions or concerns?
Please call us. Included in this Parents Place are the names and phone numbers of departments that can assist you as we all work together to make the next four years a positive experience for your student.
Acknowledgements: Special thanks to parent guides from Dickinson College, Middlebury College, Calvin College, Northern Illinois University and the National Academic Advising Association.
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